My Dirty Big Secret

I was sharing the sidewalk outside my workplace with an ant colony, feeling vulnerable and a bit anxious from the black clouds gathering over our heads. Still wearing my sweaty, mismatched hodgepodge of workout clothes and my second hand sneakers, I looked somewhere south of homeless. My husband wouldn't be there to pick me up for another 30 minutes so I dug around in my lunch box to find the lukewarm yogurt cup I had saved for just such a hunger emergency. As I pealed back the tinfoil lid and began to lick it clean, a modestly dressed, kind faced black woman walked out the front doors of our building and headed right towards me and the parking lot. I put the lid aside quickly and fumbled for a spoon. As she passed me she said "Oh my! What a storm!" and picked up speed. She had a point. Fat yellow cracks had begun to split the sky and the breeze turned suddenly more insistent as the woman sped past me in her Cadillac.

Ten minutes later I was still savoring my yogurt cup and keeping peace with my minuscule companions when another well dressed lady click clacked past me. This one didn't bother to comment on the weather as she stepped into the the road in order to avoid my patch of sidewalk. Licking a yogurt cup clean apparently makes one appear dangerous. She sped away moments later in her shiny black sports car.

Three more top executives from my building walked past and sped away in cars more expensive than all my worldly possessions combined, without even returning my greeting. Too busy, too good, too tired.

Finally, a heavyset woman wearing cut off jeans, a yard sale t-shirt, and blue light special flip flops came out. Her hair was frizz fried and her skin looked like the leather binding of a museum Bible. The tattered purse she carried looked as if it was crafted from the hide of long dead house pets. I felt immediate pity for her and whispered a quick, self righteous, "Dear Lord, please help that poor soul." When she reached where I was sitting I smiled at her out of the goodness of my heart, trying to let her know I didn't judge her. She stopped right in front of me, bent over as though addressing a small child, smiled back and said "Honey, can I give you a ride?" I was so startled by her kind voice and so acutely ashamed of my own judgmental soul, I mumbled a shy "No ma'am, my ride's on the way. Thank you." She studied me for another minute, as if giving me time to change my mind, before she said, "Alright then sweetie," and walked away. A moment later she drove past in a rusted out, noisy beast of a car and waved like we were old friends.

What a shock to find that the person you pity, in turn pities you. I wonder if this is how the beaten man from the Bible felt when that dirty ol Samaritan saved his life. I was still reeling from this humbling experience when God spoke to me: God doesn't judge us by what we have to offer, but by our willingness to offer what we have.

I'll be perfectly honest with you. God was speaking to me about my stubborn unwillingness to tithe. My justification for clinging to my greed is something along the lines of, "But we can hardly pay our bills!" Sounds legit right? Satan ALWAYS sounds legit.

You don't have to share it with me, but why did God compel me to reveal my sin? What is He speaking to you about?

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UPDATE: I learned how to crochet HATS!

You can see them all by clicking the link HERE!

Look what I did!

I learned to crochet when I first injured my back, just as a means to pass the time. My wonderfully talented Grandma taught me with all the patience of a saint and now that I've muddled through the ultra-easy scarf project, I'm addicted to the craft and ready to begin again!

My next goal is to make a matching hat with the yarn I have left over. I'm hoping for record lows in the Panhandle this winter, otherwise I'll be sweating it out in my homemade blizzard accessories!

When I finished the scarf I enjoyed a whole day of the "I did it!" high that comes with completing any major project. I wore it around the house, wrapped it around my remarkably tolerant husband, hung it from the kitchen light fixture to take some "not as cool as I thought" pictures(see below), and generally spent some quality time with my new neck buddy.

This joyful nonsense made me wonder if I could get so excited about any other goal, like exercise for example. So here's my brand new

Do It Or Die Fat Exercise Goal: Travel 100 MILEs on an elliptical machine within 2 MONTHs.

I've already got my first 3 miles out of the way!

Keeping my blog updated on my progress will help hold me accountable. I'd love to have a walking partner if anyone wants to race to 100!

Run ChubChub, Run!

I have abnormally low blood pressure, or hypotension. I'm also the whitest thing to hit the family since my alabaster, nearly albino sister who glows in the dark came along. So when I work out at any level other than "injured tortoise," I turn as red as the tomatoes in your fridge and out sweat the sauna addict.

So, red faced and dripping I'm walking my way to the one hour mark on a treadmill last week when the room fills up with a group of elderly gentlemen come to join me in what I consider a challenging work out for people with bodies in our degenerative condition. I quickly realized my mistake as one after the other Grampa, Pops, and Grandad crank up their machines and take off running like Olympians. In my shame and sweaty pride I became possessed by the absolute NEED to run! I really had no choice...

I lost 5lbs last week from my elderly inspired run/walks! And this week I gained it back as I was forced to spend most of my time in the bed, on ice, letting my injured vertebrates recover from the painful shock of my week long running career.

After a mopey sort of week where I moaned to anyone who would listen about how useless I am, I have decided that we live and learn, or we die! I will not be so easily discouraged. Next week, it's the eliptical for me and back to the fatty field of battle.

What do you want to give up on? I'd love to hear about that, and what you think of my new layout. I made this one myself and I'm hoping the comment box is functional!

Give Me Faith Like a Child

I've got an MRI that shows a picture of a severely damaged back. I've got a kind doctor who congratulated me for walking today. I've got pain and I've got aches and I've got challenges in front of me...

...but all I can think about is the God who is behind me.

God,
Give me faith like a child! Not so I can be oblivious to the circumstances, but so I might be enlightened of your power over them! Touch my body with the hands which created it. Put Satan and these infirmities under my feet so that I can dance for you! Send your Holy Spirit to shape within me a humble and faithful servant which you can use for the glory of your kingdom. Teach me this lesson in faith so that I can be closer to you. I give you all the praise and the honor and the glory for what you have done and will do in my life. I love you.

~Sarah

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10)

Down with the fat!

I’ve gained 35lbs since getting married in 2008. Now I carry that weight around like sandbags duck taped to my body at odd angles. Getting in the car this morning took a little longer than usual and my husband kindly asked me “whats the problem?” To which I snapped “I’m trying not to slam my fat in the door!” I’ve had a cold for a week now and between the snot and the swelling inner tube around my waist, I have to sit up really straight and tug on the waistband of my pants at red lights in order to take a satisfactory breath. I’m paranoid I’ll be in a wreck if I loosen my pants and then all the female cops working the case will look down at my mangled body on the road side, immediately spot the open top button and say “that poor fat girl was just trying to breath!” That’s not how I want to go out.

It is time to lose the fat. But how? Instead of starting at the food or the gym, I’m going to start by praying. Food is a problem for me like drugs and alcohol are a problem for the addict in my life. What a hypocrite I am to tell them “Pray! God can heal your addiction!” while I munch on a candy bar as if being fat won’t kill me, as if heart attacks and diabetes can’t be a tool of Satan just as much as liver disease and kidney failure. It is time for us fat people to open our chubby little eyes and realize Satan is working among us in tasty and convenient ways. I start fighting my food addiction today with God, to honor God. But I also hope it inspires the addict in my life in a way that the words alone never did.

I heard a woman on the radio say that 8 years ago when God gave her a task she didn’t want to tell anyone in case she failed. So she struggled silently with her task all these years before it was complete and finally she reached her goal. Now, safe behind the finish line she speaks of trials and suffering and how great it is to labor for the Lord and all I can think is “easy for you to say, you’re done.” So I’m telling you now that God has called me to his service and I need to be healthy to do his work as he intended for it to be done. With God’s strength and love I will lose this weight and I invite you to watch my battle not because I’m not ashamed or shy about all my fat(because I am very ashamed and very shy about my fat) but because I expect great things from God and I want to share them with you.

UPDATE: On my last blog I spoke of $900 I did not have and very much needed to attend school this semester. Not only did the $900 appear but enough on top of that to pay for books AND keep our health insurance! PRAISE GOD for fulfilling my needs! I’m so excited about this I want to shout it! But I will settle for sneaking it into all of my conversations and blogging about it until shouting becomes a more acceptable form of communication.