Down with the fat!

I’ve gained 35lbs since getting married in 2008. Now I carry that weight around like sandbags duck taped to my body at odd angles. Getting in the car this morning took a little longer than usual and my husband kindly asked me “whats the problem?” To which I snapped “I’m trying not to slam my fat in the door!” I’ve had a cold for a week now and between the snot and the swelling inner tube around my waist, I have to sit up really straight and tug on the waistband of my pants at red lights in order to take a satisfactory breath. I’m paranoid I’ll be in a wreck if I loosen my pants and then all the female cops working the case will look down at my mangled body on the road side, immediately spot the open top button and say “that poor fat girl was just trying to breath!” That’s not how I want to go out.

It is time to lose the fat. But how? Instead of starting at the food or the gym, I’m going to start by praying. Food is a problem for me like drugs and alcohol are a problem for the addict in my life. What a hypocrite I am to tell them “Pray! God can heal your addiction!” while I munch on a candy bar as if being fat won’t kill me, as if heart attacks and diabetes can’t be a tool of Satan just as much as liver disease and kidney failure. It is time for us fat people to open our chubby little eyes and realize Satan is working among us in tasty and convenient ways. I start fighting my food addiction today with God, to honor God. But I also hope it inspires the addict in my life in a way that the words alone never did.

I heard a woman on the radio say that 8 years ago when God gave her a task she didn’t want to tell anyone in case she failed. So she struggled silently with her task all these years before it was complete and finally she reached her goal. Now, safe behind the finish line she speaks of trials and suffering and how great it is to labor for the Lord and all I can think is “easy for you to say, you’re done.” So I’m telling you now that God has called me to his service and I need to be healthy to do his work as he intended for it to be done. With God’s strength and love I will lose this weight and I invite you to watch my battle not because I’m not ashamed or shy about all my fat(because I am very ashamed and very shy about my fat) but because I expect great things from God and I want to share them with you.

UPDATE: On my last blog I spoke of $900 I did not have and very much needed to attend school this semester. Not only did the $900 appear but enough on top of that to pay for books AND keep our health insurance! PRAISE GOD for fulfilling my needs! I’m so excited about this I want to shout it! But I will settle for sneaking it into all of my conversations and blogging about it until shouting becomes a more acceptable form of communication.

Stepping Out In Faith

It's been a year since I've been a student. Between getting married, moving, flying to the moon, switching jobs, rescuing that turtle in the road, and many other events that may or many not have occurred, I was unable to find the funds or the motivation to enroll in classes. With that confession I am ready to put my shame and slothful ways behind me and get back to my education.

Yesterday my husband and I drove to our community college and I registered for three major classes I need for my degree in English/Literature. When I was all done with the waiting and the "advising" and the signing here please, I was handed a hot from the printer slice of reality in the form of my bill. It's going to cost $900 for my three classes. As of today I don't have $900.

I don't know if that money will come in the form of a loan, an accident at the bank in our favor, a lot of overtime at work, a second job or some other way. But I do know without a doubt that I will have $900 by January 4th because God knew at the beginning of time that I would need it and he had a plan in place since before my birth to get it to me. Knowing that gives me peace and joy and excitement so overwhelming I want to shout about it! I want to draw the world's attention to what God is about to do in my life! With humility I declare I am broke but with a grateful heart I thank God for the blessing I'm about to receive.

You may think I'm a fool for such blind faith, but it has been my experience again and again that God provides. Whether I stress about it, cry about it, mope about it, panic or pray, in every crisis the only difference is my reaction. This time I choose to sit quietly and wait upon the Lord. I hope it pleases Him.

The waste of space I was not meant to be.

Outside the inn where we're staying there is a great big yard. The kind of yard a kid can get excited about, daydream about in math class and plan fully involved cowboy and space monkey battles of epic proportions in. But there are no children here. No homes, no families, no schools. In the yard stands a lone giant gazebo with a miniature stage, two picnic tables, 8 benches, and two outdoor grills, the sort you have to chip the rust off of before using. But there are no large jolly gatherings, no neighborhood parties here. Instead of the delicious scent of burgers and beef franks I smell ash and cigarettes because this is the place the inn staff come to smoke and gossip about us messy guests. Across the narrow unlined street is a tennis court, a volleyball net, and four square blocks. There is no equipment, just the tease of opportunity. I've looked for the place where they keep the rackets hoping to go out and fulfill the hopes and dreams of those empty painted squares, but alas it seems they are meant to stay in exile across the street. I can't help but pity this place, in all its wasted glory, hidden away from the children, the families who dream of its existence without knowing its been here all along, dreaming of them. I come sit in the gazebo, a different bench every day, just to give it what it craves, the satisfaction of being used.

This place is exactly who we are, built for a purpose, but lacking the courage or even perhaps the intelligence to be put to use. I can play an instrument, not just any instrument but a rare and beautiful one. I can cook delicious meals. I read very well and aloud, something my Mama taught me. These aren't statements of self importance but of shame. God gave me these incredible gifts but rarely do I use them for his glory. I play music for my pleasure, I cook great big meals for my own taste, and I read every day for my own entertainment. If your father gave you a sparkling candy apple red, top of the line, world class huffy racing bike would you hide it deep in the garage and only sneak it out in the dead of night to polish and ride in little circles in the driveway? No, me either. So why are we so selfish with the gifts our heavenly father gave us?

There is an audience for every talent God has ever created, a need for every skill. There are people in nursing homes, children's homes, our neighbors homes that have needs God has created us to fill.

Hello from "Wit's End"

Here I am God! Driving home from a baby shower wondering why I'm not happier, why chubby rosy cheeks, dimples, and blue frosted cupcakes didn't put me in a sunny mood. I stop at the grocery store to cheer myself up the nutritional way, because chocolate comes in a high fiber variety you know, and even that didn't work. I pick up my phone and dial my sister without really deciding to, but she doesn't answer and that only makes me feel worse.

Here I am God! Frustrated and hurting, I turn on my radio just for the noise, just to distract my ears away from my own thoughts. A song I know well is playing and I sing along:

"I believe always, always, the Savior never fails. Even when all hope is gone, God knows your pain, and His promise remains, He will be with you."

It was suddenly a dramatic ride as I broke down and sobbed and let God speak to me. I sobbed for the addict in my life, the unsaved loved ones I carry around in my heart like stones, for the marriage that's failing, for the people I love but cannot be near, for the things I'm missing out on, and for the mistakes I've made. I sobbed to my God, my Father and I was comforted.

I've heard that song a hundred times, but those words have never meant very much to me until today, until socializing, junk food, and family failed me, and I accidentally turned to God for comfort. Was that planned? Has he been trying to reach me all day? Did He huff and puff and sigh and groan when I ignored Him and reached for method after method to take His place, like I would have? I was brought low by a single verse of a single song, imagine what God could do in my life if I let him in more often.

God is so good to me.
God is so good to me.
God is so good to me.

My life didn't change in the car today. My trials were here waiting for me like a faithful dog when I got home. But today God reached down to hold me when I needed it most, without grumbling about being my last choice, He loved me. He renewed my hope and demonstrated His power over even the smallest details of my life when I will just invite Him in. What a perfect, patient, and loving God we serve. I love Him.

A wise man chooses to live happily with his choices.

Let me toss some numbers at you. At the ages of 20 and 26, my husband and I have been married 11 months, have 2 cats, 1 dog and have decided to move into a 3 bedroom 1 bath house with my 2 parents. How long will we survive? This is a bit like the word problems your 8^th grade math teacher gave you, except in this case I’ve found no answers, not one solution, and no one is applauding me for demonstrating this particular equation. Please put your eyebrows back into place, quit your giggles and let me talk you into this the same way we talked ourselves into it…with a little bit of something my husband likes to call “crazy talk.”

Point 1: This arrangement is perfectly acceptable and I assume successful in many well developed parts of the world such as Asia and South America. There are thousands of brilliant women who have decided to abandon privacy for the possibility of financial freedom. We shall stand united in our struggle to share one bathroom, one stove, one phone line, one thermostat with zero fatalities! This is what I call my “global support.”

Point 2: We do not plan on staying under one roof forever, just as long as it takes my husband and me to save enough money for a down payment on our own home. We plan to be of great service while we are here by splitting the household bills AND taking on a number of projects that need a cool splash of young energy to make it out of the planning stage, where they’ve been stored for a number of years. These are our “good intentions.”

Point 3: We will rid ourselves of all worldly possessions that are not absolutely necessary and organize what is left into closets, onto shelves, and under beds. We will take all the time you require to explain why three game systems and a small personal library are under the “absolutely necessary” column and we will not shout when you do not understand. This is our “plan.”

This is an experiment in sanity, happiness, and faith. Whether or not it proves to be financially beneficial, I’m confident it will make for great writing material!

I want to end with one of my favorite verses. This speaks to me not because I feel inadequate because I am young, but because I am told I am inadequate because I am young. Don't doubt my decision simply because you wouldn't have made it. But pray for me in the hopes that it was the right choice and I have the courage and stamina to see it through.

¹²Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12)